End-of-the-Semester Resolutions

1. I will stop telling students what to do and instead will ask them insightful questions that lead them to discover the right answer for themselves. (You guys are wondering who I am at this moment. Let’s just say I have one or two minor character traits that don’t  get a lot of play on Fangs and Clause.)

2. I will never fucking go to the mall again.

3. I will learn how grit my teeth more in a more subtle fashion when made to listen to Christmas carols at other people’s houses.

4. I will look up all my hyphenation questions instead of just assuming I know the right thing to do.

5. I will not write smug fucking lists about how I’ll practice yoga, eat fewer cookies, and consume only organic motes of sunshine in the new year.

6. I will not read self-help books, massage my aura, or meditate.

7. I will start working on my fantasy novel so as to not kill myself while in the depths of the Januaries-and-Februaries, but I don’t fucking care if you start a project or not this winter, nor do I care if you go to the gym or attain enlightenment. (Though if you want me to, I’ll support you. Even if I’m a soulless crank, I do love my cranky internet friends.)

8. I will have seconds and another drink, thank you. And, no, I will not feel guilty about it or apologize for myself to the other women in the room.

9. I will try to walk the dog on a regular basis so I don’t have to endure his plaintive stares and the stuffed squirrel that he drops at my feet at regular two-minute intervals so that I understand he has been waiting so very patiently for me to throw it while all I do is sit in my chair and gaze at the silver box and that he hasn’t left the house all day, except once to pee, and that was hours and hours ago.

10. Happy solstice. Every day will be longer than this one. Thank fucking god.

8 responses to “End-of-the-Semester Resolutions

  1. 1. This is my new motherhood mantra.
    2. Amen. Sing it, sister.
    4. I will use Chicago’s Manual of Style more and Wikipedia less.
    5. One can never have too many lists about organic motes of sunshine.
    8. I will ever apologize for drinking too much to dull the pain of Christmas carols at other people’s houses.
    10. See 2.

    • 1. Tutoring, mothering, whatever works 😉
      4. Wikipedia is fine for general “what the fuck is this?” but should never be used as a serious source, or for an authority on Chicago style.
      8. Nor should you

    • It’s rough out there, man. One of my favorite go-to cranky-head blogs suddenly got all “we shall all make noble resolutions and ascend to heaven on a surge of organic, yoga-centered, productive yet meditative holiness.” Made me want to puke.

    • Downith, you can totally do it! Send me five pages of yours and I’ll send you five pages of mine. Maybe you can tell me how I should end it. (I meant that a little less fatalistically than it sounded.)

      • Great, I need the encouragement! You can email me at independentclause (a) gmail etc., and I’ll either email you back from my real-person email address or my independent clause one, depending on whether you want to preserve the mystery in our relationship ;).

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