One of the weird things about being a freelancer is that I work—sometimes daily—with people whom I’ve never met. Some of them I’ve never had a conversation with over the phone. It’s weird. But in some ways it preserves my dignity. I get to use all these professional phrases so that no one knows that I’m a hack freelancer, who is totally bossed around by one 13-lb. feline. Here are a few stock phrases with their translations beneath.
How should I proceed?
This is the messiest fucking manuscript I’ve seen in a decade. I don’t get paid enough to deal with this.
Thanks for the work (Var. “Thanks for thinking of me”).
Please keep hiring me so I don’t have to go back to the cube. Please. I’m begging you.
I look forward to hearing from you.
If you don’t hire me, I’ll be fighting the cat for catfood for the rest of the week, and her claws are sharper than mine.
I have a meeting at 2.
Yeah, at 2 I have to go have coffee with my friend from out of town, or maybe a walk in the woods. I have to go to the library and get some more schlock novels to get me through the next couple days. My dog needs to be walked. I’ve got some writing to do.
And now that I’ve revealed that I live my life on the thin line between perfection and desperation, tell me what your pet phrases are.