Freelance-speak for beginners

One of the weird things about being a freelancer is that I work—sometimes daily—with people whom I’ve never met. Some of them I’ve never had a conversation with over the phone. It’s weird. But in some ways it preserves my dignity. I get to use all these professional phrases so that no one knows that I’m a hack freelancer, who is totally bossed around by one 13-lb. feline. Here are a few stock phrases with their translations beneath.

How should I proceed?

This is the messiest fucking manuscript I’ve seen in a decade. I don’t get paid enough to deal with this.

Thanks for the work (Var. “Thanks for thinking of me”).

Please keep hiring me so I don’t have to go back to the cube. Please. I’m begging you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

If you don’t hire me, I’ll be fighting the cat for catfood for the rest of the week, and her claws are sharper than mine.

I have a meeting at 2.

Yeah, at 2 I have to go have coffee with my friend from out of town, or maybe a walk in the woods. I have to go to the library and get some more schlock novels to get me through the next couple days. My dog needs to be walked. I’ve got some writing to do.

And now that I’ve revealed that I live my life on the thin line between perfection and desperation, tell me what your pet phrases are.

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7 responses to “Freelance-speak for beginners

  1. I love “I have a meeting at two.”
    Current favorites of mine are:
    “I’ve got to go before the boys kill each other.” (Please dear god let me off the phone before I jump out the window.)
    “That’s weird.” (Seriously? Are you kidding me? You didn’t see that coming?)

  2. 1.Let’s have coffee soon. (when hell freezes over)

    2. Sounds good, but I need to check the family schedules and get back to you. (I need time to make up an excuse.)

  3. 1. We can’t. I think my husband’s out of town that week. (see Downith’s #1 above)

    2. Shoot, somebody’s at the door. (if I have to listen to you yammer on for one more minute I’ll kill myself)

    3. That is so funny. (you are so fucking dull)

    4. I’ll email you later when I get home and let you know. (you will never, ever hear from me again)

  4. ‘Thanks so much for your feedback, it was really helpful.’ (I will be curled in the fetal position on the bathroom floor for the rest of the afternoon, if anyone needs me.)

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