Running contests keeps me amused. As such, the most recent contest was in honor of AWP.
Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with the name and description of a conference panel that describes your writing life or work in progress. This is your chance to be funny, pretentious, truthful, and/or chock full of lies.
Well, Cougar Clause took a break from her babysitting duties to help judge the contest.
Cougar: I can tell that winter is getting long. [Indy to self: That’s not a good sign.] Maybe you can reassure your readers that autumn is coming to the antipodes. I am sympathetic.
Indy: Shut up, Cougar, you know you’re not allowed to talk to me about weather during the winter.
Cougar: You asked me to judge…
Indy: Right, sorry. Please, go on, dear sister.
Cougar: You have to disqualify Sarah W. She entered three times.
Indy: But I just won her poetry contest, and I liked her entries!
Cougar: I did laugh at “Darwin’s Synopsis: How Agents and Editors Thin the Herd.” But you still have to disqualify her.
Indy: Fine. *heaves a sigh*
Cougar: I liked yours the best “Biting the Bullet, Drinking the Bulleit: AWP for Poets and Cranks.
Indy: I can’t win this. Even I am not that corrupt.
Cougar: But you had to explain to me that Bulleit is a kind of bourbon. Otherwise I thought it was a lexigraphical error. [Indy to self: who the hell calls it a lexigraphical error???] So it was obtuse, which is fitting given the circumstances.
Indy: Cougar, focus.
Cougar: Okay, okay. If I had to choose one that wasn’t yours, I’d go with Teri. You know why? She has a 26-year-old son but looks 18. I hate her by the way. You tell her that if I met her I wouldn’t like her very much. I too have a 20-something…well, maybe I’m lying a little [Ed. note: he’s 33]…son. But I don’t look 18.
Indy: But did you like her entry: “F176. No Way Out, Or Is There?: Innovations in Endings.”?
Cougar: Yeah, it was funny. But you tell her that, cougar to cougar, that I’ll bet I ride a mountain bike up hills better than she does, even if she does look 18.
Indy: You’re getting off topic. Didn’t you break your ribs a month ago?
Cougar: Yes, but they healed so quickly. The doctor said he had never seen…
[rest of conversation redacted for general ridiculousness]
So, Teri, I’ll be in touch about swag. Congrats! How is your ending going?