Why I’m Not Allowed to Have Children

I would totally do this. I like to call this the Calvin’s Dad School of Parenting. I once shamed my nephew (who is five years younger than me) into thinking the sun rose in the west and set in the east. Good thing my mother was paying attention or the poor kid would never have made it out of middle school.

What are you not allowed to do?


7 responses to “Why I’m Not Allowed to Have Children

  1. Before I had kids, I thought it would be funny to teach my nephew (then under two years old) to blow a raspberry on command. I waited until my Dad was feeding him some kind of weirdly-colored baby food and said, “Go Phlbbt!”

    He did. It was epic.

    It might be noted that I moved two states away before I started having kids of my own.

  2. I told my daughters that the wind was caused by the trees moving back and forth. Their science teacher was not amused because they convinced the class he was wrong and I was right.
    I taught them how to drink soda through a ‘cooked’ elbow macaroni and they both can tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongues. Maybe I shouldn’t have taught them that one.

  3. I shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house in peasanty summer skirts without lycra on my hips. But when the few pairs of ‘control’ undergarments I own are all in the wash, I’ve gone out in regular ones anyway and caught myself in shop windows — shaking more like jelly than I realized and feeling free, but probably offending.

  4. We convinced our kids that Hermie (from Rudolph, the elf who wants to be a dentist) works at the Christmas Underpants Factory next door to my husband’s work. He and his wife have a complicated relationship so he needs to work somewhere else for part of the year. Every year the kids get a note from Hermie with new underpants that have nutty stuff ironed-on all over them. The story goes on and is quite a bit more indepth, but yeah, it’s pretty messed up and we have the photos to prove it.

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