If Queries Were Honest

Dear Person I’ve Admired for Years and Years and Years,

My book is an accumulation of pain, broken relationships, heartache, and things I’d rather not talk about, but I cannot write poems about bunnies any longer. I couldn’t think of what else to do with this manuscript, so I mailed it to you. If I got published, maybe I could move out of my parents’ basement.

I have been published in three journals you’ve never heard of, and one—my best publication—that you might have heard of in grad school. I would be pathetically grateful if you took my manuscript, and thus would agree to all edits, even the ones that go strictly against what my novel is about. You have my word that I will only complain about it in quiet bars where no one knows how to read.

Here are the five books I read over and over while writing my book. I have them memorized. I stalk three of the authors on Facebook, and the fourth and fifth authors died in the last century by their own hand. I hope to avoid their fate.

Yours very sincerely,




9 responses to “If Queries Were Honest

  1. So Indy, we share your pain.on days like this all editors are sadists, all authors embody perfection , and those who don’t immediately perceive the latter deserve frontal lobotomy, and then sale into white slavery. But does it help you Indy.

    Best advice is keep stalking. Dead novelists are best. You should’ve safe from lawsuits. And ghosts of novelists are pretty easy to find. Most died of starvation.

    But rest assured,I believe in you, as does your older clause


  2. “Your older clause?” That would be me, eh? I love it Jill! And so right!

    Did I ever tell you about the time I grovelled? After getting rejected by [name of journal redacted-impact factor 42]? I did grovel. “Please, please please…let me resubmit the manuscript again. Those were good comments by the reviewer. I can do that! Please?”

    They accepted the resubmission, and later, the article. Really! Grovel away, I say…

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