Cosmic Zombies and Cahrming [sic] Dialogue

I went through my spam comment list today and found many interesting things.

To the robot who wrote “Don’t start off negative or you’ll never find something to be positive about. If you’re upset about nothing, you will end up having to be upest about something. Don’t make problems in your life, just fix the ones you already have,” all I have to say is HAHAHAHAHA, clearly you’ve never actually read this blog.

Please don’t criticize my post as a screenplay when it is very clearly a negative rant that makes me less of a godly woman (see above).

Lars wrote: “Just ordered my copy! Love the cover. Is it weird that I tgouhht that it matches my new favorite dress? A bit, right? Love accessories that enlighten so I will carry it everytime I wear the dress. Congrats!” Lars! I want pictures of you in a dress with my nonexistent book…unless the nonexistent book is the same color as your nonexistent dress? Maybe I don’t want pictures after all.

There was a semi-dirty limerick about a man from Purdue. I checked that twice, but it is definitely spam.

“Burndog — Your blog is totally cahrming. I’m not cahrming at all.” Burndog? Cahrming?

I’d almost think this was real “wow i was just thinking about this this moinnrg as i walked home from the coffee shop to find a dairy free muffin for my wife i dont know anything about grammar but i use a lot of dashes because of the way that i feel about sentences and thats my right im using no marks here to avoid talking about dashes with dashes in my sentence which is so tempting its just about communication and everyone has their own style and taste know yourself and know your audience and if they dont match up choose which one to ignore” if it didn’t come from a totally bogus-looking email address. And spammers across the board seem unable to type letters in the right order.

Or this one: “My guess is it’s a chicken vs egg pnohomenen, Jim. Which comes first, people avoiding responsibility for their own well-being (blaming greedy Jews and job stealers) or socialism?” Where to begin? I find this funny because I have a friend named Jim who is a philosopher. And a socialist. I guess that makes me the greedy Jew.

“It is almost like Dead Space just with cosmic zombies. Unknown to humanity before, kind found in the depths of Mars.” Uh, right.

How are your cosmic zombies doing?

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4 responses to “Cosmic Zombies and Cahrming [sic] Dialogue

  1. You get spam in English? Most of my cosmic zombies are in Cyrillic or Asian alphabets.

    That dash thing could’ve been one of mine, except I don’t have a wife, and my husband doesn’t care about dairy-free muffins.

    Is the ‘p’ silent in pnohomenen? It’s more fun to pronounce if it isn’t—sorry, pnorounce.

  2. This just in: “Ever see the Siamese Kitten? (They naturally pursue as well as strike dogs a good Siamese kitten may fizzle wheeze whistle snuffle and throw and go after a complete sizing doggie…. )”

    WTF?

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