The Killjoy’s Guide to the Holidays

10. I fucking hate end-of-the-year lists, but I seem to be making one anyway in order to howl out in crankitude against society-enforced joy. Fuck you, society. See what you’ve made me do?

9. But in fact there are a few lists I love. One of them is banished words for 2015. I am guilty of a few of these. Or one at least. Bonus points if you can guess which one.

8. People are coming to my house tonight and I haven’t cleaned. DP and I barely know what we’re cooking, and absolutely no food shopping has been done. Why do we think that throwing a party so close to the dreaded red-and-green holiday is such a good idea?

7. Oh yeah, today would have been my mother’s 82nd birthday [really???]. Our first New Years Eve party was in our new [to us] but empty house a few months after my mother died. It seemed like a better tradition than staying in bed and weeping.

6. And a list that would have horrified Maternal Clause: Things people have had stuck in various orifices and had to go to the emergency room to get out in 2014.

5. On the list of the many things that no one talks about when discussing grief and loss is that when I lost my mother I had no one to casually shock anymore. After having four children, Maternal Clause was not very shockable, but I did enjoy trying. Last time I shocked DP was when I proposed to him seemingly out of nowhere. I think I’ll have to try religious conversion to shock him again. [Note from the Management: Indy Clause has no intention now or ever of converting to anything religious.]

4. When I was in college, one of my classes had a tea at the professor’s house. I walked there with a classmate who was beside herself wondering what a professor’s house looked like. I grew up in a professor’s house, of course, so I held my tongue. [Surprising, I know.] Yesterday I understood her better as I walked through the cold streets of [city redacted] carrying food for one of my grad school professors. We sat at his table and drank birch beer and ate smoked meat products. It turns out I might be a grown up after all.

I may be a grownup, but I am childishly refusing to yield to the tyranny of numbers. I’ve got a house to clean and bibimbap to cook.

What do you do to shock people?


4 responses to “The Killjoy’s Guide to the Holidays

  1. I find people to be pretty damn unshockable—except if you write a scene where a (fictional) little girl poisons a (fictional) dog, in which case heads will explode and you will be called a dog-abusing dog-murderer who’s going to HELL.

  2. Eighty-second? Really? Already! Of course I didn’t forget her birthday. I just hadn’t done the math. It’s already 2015 over here. Nice day too.

    I’ve never cooked bibimbap before. Send a recipe. (I’d prefer it without the egg).

  3. Well first of all, here’s to Maternal Clause. And here’s to #7 above, which is certainly the thing to do, but so very fucking hard. Here’s to the new year, Indy.

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