Gratitude List for Northerners

It’s time to laud the things that make us miserable. I was so unhappy about the state of the world yesterday that I walked into Second Job and said “I’m trying to be positive.” Let me tell you, it’s bad when Indy Clause, a crankypants of the highest order, tries to be positive.

1. I’m fucking grateful that people on facebook are posting pictures of their Malibu vacations and near-naked Mardi Gras celebrations. How else would I remember what vegetation looks like, not to mention sun-kissed near-naked flesh?

2. I’m fucking grateful that my problems are so superficial and first world that my colleague buying me a chocolate bar cheered me right the fuck up yesterday.

3. I’m fucking grateful for our patriarchal and white supremacist society, which is so pervasive that it makes teaching students to see it is as easy as baklava. Makes my job easier.

4. I’m fucking grateful that my superficial, first-world misery is making my attention span so short that I can’t read, and I watch TV with DP, so we can be quietly, superficially miserable together. (He’s legitimately miserable due to Sinus Problems.)

5. I’m fucking grateful to be offered another class to teach in the fall (same one I taught last fall), so that I can rage against my adjunct state. And I have to go out and buy some new fucking pants because all my work pants are aged or stained. What is it with mysterious spots on the thighs of my pants that won’t fucking go away?

6. I’m fucking grateful for that I can’t do math, so I can’t quite calculate how many feet have fallen in the Northern Wasteland in the past month (90″ = 7.5 ft.).

7. I’m fucking grateful that my white Jetta had a catastrophic coolant leak so that I now drive a blue Golf. I always hated edging out between snowbanks in a Jetta the color of snow.

8. I’m fucking grateful that some asshole decided to stock wiper fluid that freezes below 32 degrees because how the fuck else would I know that the stuff existed? And I can’t fucking see out of my car windshield, which is fine, because the world is a snowy hellscape anyway.

9. I’m fucking grateful for my four years in the Upper Midwest, which gave me a tolerance for cold and the indignities of winter. I’m fucking grateful I don’t live in Buffalo where squirrels are freezing and falling out of trees. And I’m fucking grateful I don’t live in some godforsaken Southern state where there is one snowplow and no one knows how to drive in the snow.

What are you grateful for?

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14 responses to “Gratitude List for Northerners

  1. I’m grateful that it is going to be negative-who-cares-fucking-cold in the next two days that we get to bundle up in business casual (are you retching at the term? Yep, me too.) which means layers and sweaters which makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m also grateful for a 2 hour each way commute which involves a half mile speed walk, cardio!, the goal being to reach said place of employ before eyelashes freeze together or I jump off the bridge instead of hustling over in order to begin triathlete training. Blessed.

  2. I’m fucking grateful for months-long rain, which makes me grateful for a warm sunny day like the one we had yesterday. In the desert, all we had were warm sunny days, and I loathed every last one of them. I’m fucking grateful for weather that changes.

  3. I’m fucking grateful that other people are finding this bullshit East Coast winter as unbearable as I am. It reassures me that I am probably not weak and/or crazy for feeling like I will never be warm again.

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