Making a Scene

DP, who eschews coffee, refuses to learn how to use my stovetop espresso maker.

“I know how that will go.”

“What do you mean?”

“Next thing you know, it’ll be ‘DP, darling, sweetheart, love of my life, would you make me a cup of coffee?'”

I deny it, but he might be right. (Shout out to Cougar who makes her spouse stovetop espresso coffee every single day. Lucky Dr. Mr. Cougar.)

Once you know how to do something then you know how to do it. That sounds simple, but it can be harrowing. Last year I revised my whole fucking book in a week.

So when my deadline to send The Fucker to Beta Reader comes screaming at me, I can’t take a powder. I can’t write a short whiny note saying that there is too much snow on the ground to write (also, Beta Reader is Canadian and would laugh in my face).

I gotta rush through and polish that turd. I gotta actually write scenes in the places that currently scream in all caps MAKE A SCENE. I don’t need to majorly reorganize, as I’ve already done that. I don’t need to change my name for anonymity (although that was a fun exercise last time due to the fact that I had to keep my last name somewhat similar so I could make a piano joke halfway through the manuscript).

So, 6,000 edited words a day. I’ve cleared my editorial calendar for a couple days. Grade papers, go to second job, feed dog and self, write up some discussion questions for class, edit 6,000 words, pretend February has 30 days, get it done.

What do you wish you didn’t know how to do? Do you make piano jokes?

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9 responses to “Making a Scene

  1. There’s nothing I wish I didn’t know how to do. Quite the opposite, really.

    And I do make piano jokes, but all of them are off-key and most of them are based on the size and stamina of the pianist. 😉

      • This is one of the few pianist jokes I know that’s off-key but not actually dirty:

        A singer and her accompanist are doing a final rehearsal for an important concert.

        The pianist studies his sheet music, pencil in hand, and says, “Okay. Let’s start this piece in G minor and then modulate to B major by the third bar, while and moving into 5/4 time. When you get to the bridge, we’ll switch to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last verse, go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor on a ritardando glissando.”

        The singer says, “Are you kidding? I can’t remember all that!”

        And the pianist says, “Really? Because that’s what you did the last time.”

  2. Here’s a solution to the coffee problem. (evangelist mode on) Get an Aeropress. While DP is getting his morning going, he doubtless heats up some water for tea or some other nefarious purposes. With your Aeropress, you can bogart two ounces of that hot water, and have yourself an espresso (or eight ounces and have an americano). If the hot water’s already available, it takes 15 seconds — including clean up. (evangelist mode off).

    I’m afraid I have no piano jokes. So I’ll leave with a tech guy joke.
    Q: Quick! Where’s the programmer?
    A: (pointing) he went data way!

      • uh… that’s rather alarming. In my part of the world, non-consumption of hot beverages usually triggers the Zombie Response clause!

        But as for stove-top espresso versus Aeropress – we had a scientifically conducted blind test between standard drip, percolator, stove-top espresso maker, and Aeropress. In our sample group, the Aeropress came out tops for all testers.

      • I could see how that might. Although he won’t make coffee for me every once in a long while he will buy it for me when we are traveling. This makes us not have to trigger the Zombie Response clause.

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