In honor of my tremulous mental health and the fact that I threw a bunch of submissions into the wind last week, I’d like to host a contest. Cougar, my trusty judge, will like that too.
Let’s talk about the craggy underbelly of our brave submissions, that’s right, I’m talking about
wife-swapping rejections. I don’t submit to [journal redacted] anymore after they emailed me a rejection that said, “Dear writer, Thank you for submitting your work to [journal redacted]. Unfortunately your work does not meet our needs at this time.” In the age of Submittable, they could not be bothered to use my name or the name of my work.
Then there was the time I was rejected for using pathetic fallacies in a poem. After I looked up the phrase, I realized that that was what poems fucking do. I delete them like crazy when I copyedit prose, but poems! Insult to injury, I told that story in a slightly public forum and the woman who rejected me was on the list. I tried to initiate a conversation, but it went nowhere.
(Seriously, though, if you can’t make a fucking violin embody a bit of a human personality or actions, then I fucking give up the whole poetry rodeo.)
Now that you can see that I’m risking being humiliated once again about my pathetic violin poem, please back me up. What are your worst/funniest/dumbest rejections?
Contest will be judged by Cougar herself, and prizes will be awarded by yours truly. Enter early, enter often, bribes entertained.
PS Nonliterary rejections will be considered.
PPS Do bowls get rejected (ahem)? Or books that editors might wish to acquire?