December Gratitude

I’m fucking grateful that I can’t log onto my bank account. Who needs to see their accumulated wealth in December? I hate buying presents anyway.

I’m fucking grateful that I have a short work gap. I don’t need money, because I hate presents, and I can’t access my bank account anyway. And I should be writing.

I’m fucking grateful that the asshole who has delighted my sense of schadenfreude for years has decided to take his fucking time publishing an updated hater’s guide to Williams and Sonoma. I should be writing and not reading gleeful send-ups of stupid fucking commercialized Christmas.

I’m fucking grateful that it’s going to snow every day for the rest of my life. I didn’t move to the northern part of the northeast for the fucking biscuits, let me tell you what.

I’m fucking grateful that the fucking president thinks it’s okays for businesses to put signs up saying they won’t serve “The Gays” because every queer Jewish person wants to imagine what it might be like to live in Nazi Fucking Germany. (I recognize that I “pass” as I am in a heterosexual marriage. But I’m still fucking mad. And fuck anyone who says I’m not still queer. Not that any of you would say that, of course.)

Speaking of which: I am actually grateful for every fucking one of you.

What are you fucking grateful for?

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Gratitude List

I’m fucking grateful that my editing job has decided that “standard misusage” of the English language doesn’t need to be corrected. Because using “which” and “that” interchangeably has never changed the meaning of a sentence.

I’m fucking grateful that I quit Second Job, because who needs to go to awkward work parties with people you love very much and will no longer see on a weekly basis in less awkward situations.

I’m fucking grateful that my spouse is mad at me for legitimate reasons because as Tolstoy said happy families are boring. Lord knows one wouldn’t want to be boring.

I’m fucking grateful that half my facebook acquaintance is summering in Spain and the other half are having wild publishing success. They deserve to be happy.

I’m additionally grateful that acquaintance can be considered “is” and “are” in the same sentence. This is why all people need fucking copyeditors.

I’m fucking grateful that I had lunch with a friend where we talked about awkward work situations, which I made more awkward by not holding my tongue. At least I didn’t lie. (I don’t really know how to lie. This is why I’m a terrible employee.)

I’m fucking grateful that this blog is slightly anonymous so I don’t have to work on self-promotion to get jobs that I want because although I’m a pretty great editor/writing coach, I am a terrible fucking employee.

What are you grateful for?